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the.girl
Im the classic virgoian who believes in perfection. Sometimes people dislike me because they find me acting too cold towards humans. Or maybe they just can't accept my high standards. So, love me or not, u decide.
Screams
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Friday, May 19, 2006
there is no such thing as FOREVER.this is it.this is a fact that all of us have to accept.lets face it then.however,it hurts and pains my heart.since the day mankind is created,why must all human beings be trapped in this viscious cycle between life and death?why must we have to go through this painful process of losing our loved ones,worse of all is to witness them leaving us with our very own eyes?i fear.i fear.i fear for this day to come 'cause im not the least mentally prepared for this torment.however recently,i realise that this day is approaching,and its all happening very fast.as days pass,i am even more afraid.i shiver at this thought of facing death of my loved one.as i do my best to make his remaining days be as memorable as possible,like spending more time with him,he does not even recognise me.this is so sad.he mistook someone else as me.then in his eyes,who is the girl who stands in front of him?who am i to him anymore?a mere stranger?or maybe even better.i dont know.imagine this.this person has been dear to you and been there with you for these 17 years of your life.suddenly now this person does not even recall the least bit about you and asks this:who are you?your heart sinks.true?my heart sinks too. he only knew that he has a grand-daughter named sze ling,ah ling.he forgot her looks and everything.he always asks:when will sze ling be back for dinner?is she in school?is she at work?did she take care of herself?does she have enough money?if not i can give her some money.(in teochew) i remember that i used to hate my granddad when i was a child 'cause he had a fiery temper and roared at us with vulgarities.vulgarites,mind you.its harsh.i hated him then for not being a granddad like others who love their grandchildren like mad.i could not feel the tenderness of such love at all.well then..he does nag 'til now.he would always grab my hand and asked me to stand beside him and talk to him .i got frustrated when the talking became asking STUPID questions like have you eaten n stuff like that.i guess that he could feel me wanting to get away from his grab badly.now i want to grab his hand badly,but none of my family members agree to it.they say that its poisonous.if i accidentally touch him,i will have to wash my hand with some antiseptic soap.i REGRET.regret for not cherishing the times when he held my hand,for not feeling the warmth of his palms.its too late now? his days are numbered.he's only waiting for the day to die.thats scary for me.i worry whether i can see him on his deathbed or whether he will leave all of us silently.just silently.i dont know when this fateful day will come but i pray to see him alive everyday.at least to see him still sitting in the living room every morning,everytime i go and visit him. he wishes to see everyone now.his daughters and sons and grandchildren and great grandchildren.he loves to see us visit him now unlike in the past.for the past 2 months plus,i was caught up in my work and had no time to visit him.1 month since i started working,the first time i saw him was in SGH.very sad.now i want to spend more time with him.have dinner at home every night.even if im slightly late,i still want to have dinner with my family.whenever i visit my grandma nowadays,i will never fail to give her a hug.a hug which means i love you.i appreciate you.im grateful that you are still there for me. i wish time could give me a chance to make up for what i fail to appreciate in the past. ah ma,ah gong.i love u both.please live and not to leave. -120306-0832 |
