我心理不平衡，也是你害的！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

你们这群坏蛋！！！！！！！！！！！
虚伪！！！！
伪君子！！！！！！

呸！！！

-151011-1644

i never had this feeling before, never ever so strongly.
when i looked at baby photos in the past, i only found them cute and adorable that's all.
but today it brought me to a whole new level of realization that if we look at the bigger picture,
we could see the meaning of life.
yes, that's what i saw.
procreation is wonderful.
looking at the young life you've created, it is so precious and dear.

they asked me who the baby resembles in the photo, dad or mum?
i think probably more like the mum, i guess.

and as i stared at the picture a little longer, i wandered into my thinking space,
how will a baby of mine and notti's looks like?
sort of ridiculous, but i really want to know.
imagine both of our facial features, our genes........................................................
seriously,
how will our baby look like?
either way it is, he/she will definitely be handsome or pretty.
hahhhahaaha..coz of the inheritance of our good looks :p

the thing is we are not even together, but why on earth am i thinking of something beyond reality?
i once told my friend before that if one day we are man and wife, i'm sure i'll be the most fortunate woman in the world for that's what i feel.
yeah, even if it means that i have nothing but only him, i'm contented.

-270911-1230

寂寞，

就是当我把我要说的话打在电脑荧光屏上，
然后却得一字一字慢慢删除。

寄不出的问语，
传达不出的心意，

它，是一种空虚的感觉。

-260911-0020

-260911-0008

suppression is the highest level of tolerance it can go.
til the day when this endurance (which i've been trying so hard) ceased, you bet i'd either breakdown or erupt like a volcano.
i'm suppressing my emotions to the best i could but whenever someone throws the same question at me, it seems to expose my hatred which i'm trying to hide.
i don't want it to re-surface lest being called a petty person, by others.
and i also don't wish to face this all over again.

it's been a month.
a month of recuperation, supposedly, or maybe it's called a month of break.
well you guys might think i'm certainly having a good time slacking at home without even attempting to look for a new job.
but do you know that a month of recovery is not adequate?
i must have over-estimated my healing ability, thinking that i could get over those stuff easily.
who knows? i'm suppressing and so it's still somewhere there in me, at that little corner.
but those irksome same old questions bug me to feel its existence, forcibly, though i very much wanted to avoid it.

others may rebut that it's just a common reality lifestyle problem that not just me, but anyone else could have faced it in some part of their lives, so it's nothing big.
yes..somehow that's true but do you know that because of this, it has mutated into a certain form of phobia and fear?
this terrible incident left a BIG scar in my life and it matches to what adrian has said before though i didn't quite agree to it back then.
now that i think back, i gotta admit he's goddamn right.
it scarred me. :(

the real me is not so forgiving.
yea.
i'm turning to the devil.

i used to think that it should not matter to me that much.
but here, i'm going to say:
I HATE U!
I HATE U OF MAKING USE OF ME AND KICK ME ASIDE WHEN U DONT NEED ME!
I HATE HYPOCRITES!
I HATE THE FEELING OF BEING AN EXTRA!
FU*K YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it makes me HATE the world now.
hate the world for under-estimating my potential.
i'm not supposed to feel inferior
'cause i'll rise again.
and obviously those people who asked me that question, don't know me at all.

-050911-0008

这世上又不是只有你一个男人，但怎么我的心就从此盲目了？
或许我玩不起，可是我对你的感觉是真的，
为你掉的眼泪也是如此。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

-010911-2350

对于一个夜猫来说，叫她一早起来真的是强人所难，也是几乎根本不会发生的事。
不过就连自己都感到惊讶的是，我今早在7am就已经起个大清早了。
嘻嘻。。。。。。
通常在这个时候的我都还在睡梦里呢。。
奇怪，不知道为什么，我现在可觉得无比清醒，精神充沛！

黎明的景色迷人，令我在陶醉美景其中也启发了一些感想。
以前当我在就读中学的时候，也会在这种时间醒来。
可是当时的我根本没去发觉天空的颜色竟有多美。
我想，这有可能是心态的问题吧。。。
以前的我其实很讨厌上学，所以对任何人，事，物都抱着埋怨。
更何况是抬头望着天空欣赏它的美，哈哈哈。。别想了！
可是现在当我偶尔做一些平时少做的事，我才突发奇想，渐渐用心去体会一切事物。

当我望出窗外的时候，天空是紫蓝色的。
小鸟归于天空的怀抱，以音乐般的叫声开始为星期天的早晨打头阵。
奇怪呢。。我以为大家不像我一样，一定还在床上发美梦。
不过，马路上的确出现了几个人影。
女佣赶着为主人一家大小买早餐。。。
几个aunty成群结队穿着绿色上衣和运动鞋，应该是去晨运。。。
两个男人在亭子里，好像在等人。。。
巴士里有些许的乘客，也不知道他们一大清早要去哪里。。。

ok 。。深呼吸。。。。
哇。。。。空气好新鲜哦！！！！！！
感觉空气是零污染的。。。令我整个人心旷神怡！
嗯。。星期天就要开始了。
大家准备好了吗？

-210811-0837

thought you would seize the chance to meet me in jb, just like how i seize every possible opportunity to see you.
but still, you replied me in a nice way even though it was an obvious rejection.
i know that i shouldn't harbour too much hope that you will accede to my request, but subconsciously i am always praying for miracle.
'cause i believe in that slim chance of success only if im proactive.

tell me, am i wrong?

i thought with this 1 month of break, i can buy an air ticket to kl (alone) and meet you there.
i thought of going over to your workshop and get a haircut by you.
well, it failed.
then i thought of meeting you instead at jb.
again, it failed.

both plans failed TERRIBLY....:(
and MISERABLY...:(

how come you dont get that kind of feeling of wanting to meet me desperately?
do you know i always do?

-010811-2240

HATES!
-LIZARDS
-players
-unreasonable toots
-almond
-going for morning class
-being treated as transparent

LOVES <3
-baking
-cosmetics
-boozing (w/o getting a heavy head!)
-people who dote on me
-acts of service

Not looking anymore other than a stupid notti.

hey, if you know me well enough, i bet you'd LOVE ME!